lately i've been thinking about the beautiful things i've done and seen. i don't know how i got so lucky, that despite all the bad, there would be such good. i didn't have friends, and family was always strange to me, except for you. it's so odd that i can feel so connected to you, and hear your voice in my head, when only months ago i felt as if i'd nearly lost the only language you spoke when i realized i couldn't read a book in it. oh, the fear that rose inside me like vile and lava and all the hot and searing things in the world.

my memories of growing up are like jewels, each a distinct color and texture. climbing red rock in arizona, being on a boat surrounded by orcas in alaska, picking strawberries mountainside in maine, chasing witchstories in salem, staring up at a snowcapped volcano in washington my eye catching on all the blue, blue birds, blue flowers, blue, braiding my hair and drinking cold pineapple soda on a sugar-sandy beach in the bahamas. summers in new york city. the rest of the year in miami, with the faded pink flamingos in our frontyard, wearing green velvet and petticoats at christmas in 80 degrees, frying plantanos 24/7 and putting secret-ingredient-chocolate-milk-powder in the frijoles.

i remember changing the sheets with you, the linen fresh from the drier, smelling clean and warm to the touch. and i remember, when you got so old, i had to beg you to stop trying to change the sheets, to sit down and rest. i remember your name and your wishes and i remember the last thing you said to me.

i have it all, i just miss you. i miss having a home in you, feeling connected to the earth and to my family through you. i wish you were here, i wish you could live forever,

but most of all,

i wish i could remember you

really, really remember you

but all i have are these moments

but what would you say to me now?

what would you think of who i am now?

i wish i could remember you well enough to know.

te amo, e.p.d